THIS IS SOME KIND OF CHILI CONTEST!

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the

first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.

They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to

town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili

cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1 "Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili"

Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge #2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge #3 -- (Frank)Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the

flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili #2 "Arthur's Afterburner Chili"

Judge #1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken

seriously.

Judge #3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what

I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who

wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuver. They had to rush in more beer

when they saw the look on my face.

Chili #3 "Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili"

Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge #2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels

like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

Chili #4 "Bubba's Black Magic"

Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable

to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,

was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300lb bitch is starting

to look HOT. . . just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an

aphrodisiac?

Chili #5 "Linda's Legal Lip Remover"

Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge #3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I

can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili #6 "Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety"

Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of

spices and peppers.

Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Superb.

Judge #3 -- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat

through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that

slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips

anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili #7 "Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili"

Judge #1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge #2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried

about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing

uncontrollably.

Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which

slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like poop

to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed

me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not

getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through

the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 "Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili"

Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold

but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge #2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor

hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out,

fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if

he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?